I, by default am pretty hard on myself. I can give you a longer list of things I am bad at, or assume I am bad at,  than I can, my strengths, attributes and positive characteristics. I know it comes from comparison, and I know that, if we are honest, we all do it.

But today , I noticed growth and gratitude.

And , I have been emotional all day because of it . Also , I had a bad reaction to a diet plan I tried that caused some anxiety. But here is the thing.

No matter what the “cause” we always have a choice in our perspective and focus.

 

So, today I want to focus on growth. If you have been reading my blog very long, you know part of my story, and that it is no mystery that I learned very early in life to cope through anger , aggression and suppressing emotion. If I felt anxious, I lashed out. If I felt vulnerable or weak, I hurt those around me. And, it wasn’t until I got into college that I really began to press in to those feelings of anger, anxiety and pushing people away, that I began to experience freedom. Specifically, I was introduced to mindfulness and meditation. Sitting with and accepting my experience as it is without judgement.

It was difficult in the beginning, because mindfulness is centered around gratitude and compassion and there was absolutely (not exaggerating) no room for either because I was filled with rage and anger, and hurt.

Any time that I would try to allow these things into my mindfulness practice, I would literally bolt, feel nauseous or say some sarcastic , biting stuff to avoid the topic.

It was painful. It hurt. But I couldn’t say that, because if I did, I’d have to feel the things I was trying to avoid.

I can’t tell you the moment I allowed gratitude in my life, or when I allowed myself to entertain the gratitude, but I can tell you that it has been a domino effect in my life.

There are still places in my life that I need to work on and work through, and I am okay with that. I am grateful because I now can accept that growing doesn’t mean we are flawed , broken or lacking.

But it does mean that if we allow ourselves to grow, we open ourselves to a vast open field of experience. And that is encouraging.

I am not being dramatic when I tell you that mindfulness saved my life. I don’t tell you that for pity or to worry you, but I do tell you that to tell you this:

There are safe people. There are kind people, people who will be patient enough to let you go at your pace. There are people out there who, if we open our mind to it, can share what has helped them , what will help you if you allow it. And the best part: It’s not even for their benefit.

There are people out there who desire to see you free simply because you deserve freedom.

I am a mess writing this right now honestly. But its okay, because I don’t allow myself that often.

Someone introduced this poem to me and I firmly believe this is the season I am in.

The Guest House

This being human is a guest house.
Every morning a new arrival.

A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes
as an unexpected visitor.

Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they are a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture,
still, treat each guest honorably.
He may be clearing you out
for some new delight.

The dark thought, the shame, the malice.
meet them at the door laughing and invite them in.

Be grateful for whatever comes.
because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond

-Rumi

 

I know that things get difficult sometimes. If you get nothing from this, get this, press in, there is good that comes from doing the hard work.

 

Take a second today to reflect on your growth. Do you need to reach out to someone who will walk with you in your healing?

 

Be encouraged,

Rachael