I’ve been writing a lot about feelings, emotions , and , well , you know: the things that make life messy. I think there is something to be said about getting the things in your head and heart out in a safe, protected manner because it doesn’t promote health to keep it inside.

 

But we like to keep it there because the icky -ness sometimes feels safer, less scary than the idea of bringing something to the light.

But its not. Keeping things locked up , hidden, stuffed down causes a lot of stomach problems, and just worry, anxiety and physical symptoms that aren’t fun. So , we talk about things, bring things to the open. With safe people.

 

Lets say, you do take the big leap and let someone in, and then they do not honor you, or respond in a helpful way, or they betray your trust by sharing information you meant to stay between the two of you. What do you do?

Oh man. This is so hard. Seriously. Because our automatic response can either go two ways ( well maybe more, but in this post we’ll look at two. )

In no particular order:

Defensive, Closed off, Shut Down: This is what it looks like when you feel anger. Rage. You know, the , “I’m going to tell them what’s what, and they’ll never hurt me again, or do that again. I’ll be damned if I share with them again. 

Have you been there? You know, the walls go up, you begin to bring up everything  someone ever did to make you mad or hurt you. Some call it harboring bitterness. In this moment, you feel powerful. You’re going to get them back, and the longer you hold on to the hurt, anger and feelings of betrayal, the larger the fire gets within you. And it isn’t a holy fire either, you get me? It’s like a hold me back, the Fight part of the fight or flight response.

The very hard truth here: Holding on to this is going to effect you more than the person you are upset with.

You may experience headaches , stomach aches and other symptoms related. Seriously. It’s not fun at all. And you’re grumpy and really not fun to be around. I’ve been there. It’s honestly not a positive experience, even though my mind tells me otherwise.

Passive-aggressive: This is fun. You know, the times where someone says “hey , you seem like something is bothering you . Whats going on? And your response is, “oh… nothing.. I’m fine.” “Really , its nothing.” – All the while you have a pout face and are sulking , and inside your mind is like, I really just want to punch someone in the face . 

But no, you avoid the topic and do not address the issue.

I’ve been here too. It’s still suffering. Even though our mind says “this is the best way” . It is not. And in a sense , manipulative because you’re wanting someone to ask you so that you can either pretend something is not wrong, or go off and vent all the reasons why people suck and you are awesome.

Both ways, though they seem to be the best option sometimes in the moment. They are both unhealthy and harmful to you. And they do not foster healthy relationships.

So where do we go from here. What is the healthier option?

Forgiveness. is critical and here is why: Forgiveness says, what you did is not okay. But I am going to resolve within myself to adjust my boundaries , and still meet you with compassion and understanding. Forgiveness says: I will do my best to see things from your perspective and try to understand what prompted you to cross the trust boundary with me, while still honoring myself and the fact that I need to evaluate my felt safety in our relationship and adjust accordingly.

Forgiveness also takes the sting away.

When you have reached a place where you can forgive, it allows you to be able to look at a situation objectively and you can be clear as to whether or not you need to take further action and have a conversation.  When you have the conversation with the person that has wounded you, coming from a place of forgiveness allows the defenses, the walls to come down enough to where you can talk without wounding the other person or caving to your boundaries.

Again, forgiveness takes time. But the quicker you can forgive the less suffering you will experience.

So, have the tough conversations, and meet them with compassion and understanding. You deserve peace.

Be encouraged,

Rachael