I lived life for a very long time believing that in order to be honest, I had to share everything with everyone and my life had to be an open book. Even more, if I did not share something, that meant I was lying and not telling the truth.

Freedom came quickly for me when I realized this is not the case.

I would get hung up on and have a lot of anxiety when I had something happen in my life, and I always felt like I had to find someone quickly, “confess my sin” and then word vomit all over them in order for me to be rid and free of the thing that was plaguing me.

This deadly cycle , while I thought it was my key to freedom, became the key to my prison.

I would think in my mind “man, I am screwed up, I shouldn’t have to tell people every time something happens. But then my mind would counter that with, Oh.. but Rachael, the bible says, confess your sin , one to another, that you may be free. So because of this, and other faulty beliefs I had about who was safe and unsafe, when I would share, I would end up wounding myself more because I would share with someone who did not earn the spot to hear and hold my story.

I want, in this post, to give you some things that I have been taught that have truly shifted my perspective, and because  of that, I have experienced freedom that I am grateful for. I hope they encourage you, and hopefully begin an honest reflection  within yourself .

1. Not every person has the right to every part of your story and life.
2. • Parts of life are hard. Parts of life cause pain , hurt , shame, guilt , sadness.. and all the messy emotions. Parts of life are happy, joyous, exciting and just wonderful. Both are necessary and part of life and experiencing it to the fullest. Both are important, and within them, there are very personal , intimate details that shape and mold us as humans. Both deserve space that is to be honored , valued and held with compassion, love and understanding.
   • There are people in our lives that just want to know things because they have a need to be in the know. Don’t share with them. They will not honor you. They will betray you. You will get wounded . There are also people who understand that stories, and where we come from have deep meaning and deserve to be honored and shown compassion. Share with them. Live life with them. But know, they too have the ability to wound you. Because we are all human .

   • So who has the right to hear my story and my life experience.

   • • This depends on your relationship, but generally you must have trust with them. And they must prove to you that when you hand them this information, they will not condemn you. They will not judge you, or treat you differently. They will love you, stay close and walk along side you as you sort things out. Look at their track record. Do you  immediately regret sharing with them after you share? Do they tell you about other people’s stuff when you are with them? Then they are probably doing the same with your stuff. They probably aren’t the safest.
     • Safe people do not share without your permission.
     • Safe people do not pressure you to share, and are okay with your timing. They understand that it is not their place to know when you are ready. They may see that you are before you do, but there is no pressure.
     • Safe people do not get offended when you do not share.
     • Safe people do not shy away from mess. They have good boundaries and are able to point you in the direction to best help. But they do not pretend  to have all the answers, and are okay with stepping away when necessary.
3. Your story is yours. No one owns it but you. You get to decide when you’re ready to open up and who you open up to. 

4. • Often times, you can tell when people are uncomfortable with what you have shared with them when they are eager for you to share.

   • Now I am not talking about the times when someone is saying, Hey Rachael, this is an awesome story and people will benefit from hearing it. I am talking about the moments when you share in confidence and then when you are around someone, they bring it up quickly in an anxiety driven way, because it was too much for them to take or hold. The hard thing here is, that if people are unaware if they can handle something, it may be that they realize they were unable to hold the information until after you already shared. This brings up my next point.
5. When you share your life, You are in control, and you must have an understanding and be comfortable with sharing what you are sharing. So before you share: Ask yourself these questions. 
6. 1. Will I be okay if people do not respond in the way I was hoping?
   2. Will the relationship change if I share this? Am I okay if it does?
   3. What is my goal in sharing?
   4. Does the group , or person I am sharing with have a track record of honoring people and their pain ?
   5. Will I regret sharing after I have done so?
7.  By not sharing or laying every single detail out of your story – You are not lying. You are simply guarding your heart and honoring your own life experience.
8. The truth is, no matter how hard we try, things happen and people will fail us, disappoint us, and wound us. But it is our response to each situation that we are able to control and learn from. You have the right to keep things to yourself. Part of relationship is being vulnerable. But we must be vulnerable with people who have shown us that no matter what, they see us. They know us, and they will value our experience  and will not guilt us in sharing. They will not shame us or reject us in our pain.

In the end , we are all doing our best. As you are working through these questions, I hope that you would ask them of yourself as well. It is important to be safe for other people to share with us, as we want them to be safe for us.

Be encouraged ,

Rachael