Here We Go

Scripture says, we overcome by the blood of the lamb and the word of our testimony.

I think it’s cool when we can all come together in unity that we are all human – flaws and all. There is beauty and freedom in sharing where we’ve been while also giving hope to those currently in the season we have overcome. Even so, letting each other know that we are not alone. There is hope. I want to be clear in my intention. My goal here is not sympathy. My goal here is first, that one might find empowerment to keep going. Second, this is healing for me. A kind of agreement, an activation of sorts – that I have a story worth sharing, and in doing so, healing will come by giving myself a voice I have not had. I hope this encourages someone and gives others freedom as well.

This is Already Difficult

I don’t know what it is about opening up, but I have an aversion toward being vulnerable. I literally get nauseous and clammy when I am talking about myself in a deep personal way. Its so bad sometimes that I just completely shut down and can’t even find the words to speak. And even if I wanted to, I feel this heavy weight on my chest and the words won’t come out. All I can get out is … “um.. I .. um.. well crap.”

I have been working on this for a while. I have learned through mindfulness, to let myself be present with the experience. Some times are easier to allow myself to soften up and get the words out. Some are more difficult. Right now, I have this tight, jittery feeling in my body. I am feeling vulnerable, but I also know it is something I need to do.

The enemy comes to steal, kill and destroy- John 10:10

And I have let him because I was too afraid to challenge that. It felt incredibly true. Through mindfulness, I have learned and come to accept that what he says about me is completely false. So, now I must take steps in a different direction in repentance, and agreement with the Lord about who he says I am. I can accept that this is difficult, and still do it. Because God has given me a spirit not of fear or timidity but of power, love and self-control – 2nd Timothy 1:7

My story starts with parents and a family who made a very courageous decision to choose life. even when the road was obviously going to be long and hard. And for that I, am grateful.

I was a conjoined twin. I don’t know what that was like, because we were separated before I could even remember it. We both survived and are living productive , full lives. This part is hard, because I don’t want to share someone elses story I am going to put that topic aside for now. The beginning stages of that process of my story are not mine to share, and I want to honor that. Just know that my parents, twin sister, and older sisters are strong determined people who I look up to very much, and I am grateful. I am here because of a family that stood behind us and fought in the spiritual way before we were even born.

Do you remember the part where I said the enemy comes to steal, kill and destroy? This started at a very young age for me. I remember feeling things very deeply very early in life. Which makes sense. A lot of things were going on in my life that I had no control over, and were happening so that I could continue to heal physically, and have a productive life.

I just remember feeling sad , angry and confused all the time. I could never put my finger on why. I just felt it. As I grew older, and entered grade school and started becoming aware of myself, those feelings and emotions started to become stronger.

I want to tell you here, I didn’t have a bad childhood. I have a very loving and supportive family. My parents and family were wonderful about telling me that I could do whatever I put my mind to, it just might take longer, or the process might look different than other people’s. Which, that statement is true for everyone.

No two people process things in the exact same way. We are different, and that is okay.

Here’s the deal, we are all faced with insecurity, fear, and doubt. We are just with ourselves all the time, so we feel like we are the only one. And that is how we are most vulnerable. When we take our perception and perspective as absolute truth, and do not challenge them, we are sitting ducks for suffering.

The hard part for me, my current circumstances were reinforcing the belief that made me feel the anger, sadness and other emotions.. but as a little kid, I didn’t know what was going on inside . I just knew I didn’t like it and it didn’t feel good at all.

When people experience trauma,  whether the trauma is good or bad to us, it is hardwired regardless and stays with us after the trauma is over.

For me, I began to realize that I was different and not like everyone else. Which, we all experience to an extent, but these experiences were compounded for me due to the fact that these differences were more visible. And to an extent, I am still living with and reminded of those differences daily.

Very soon that sadness, anger and confusion became something I was ashamed of. In an effort to cope, I found that if I lashed out , yelled, or avoided hard situations , everyone would leave me alone. It took care of the uncomfortable feelings I didn’t know how to handle. I coped in this way well into my college years, until I was able to start seeing my own counselor and begin to heal. This idea of pushing people away became second nature for me. It was like a muscle memory. It controlled me. My anger, pain and hurt began controlling my relationships by creating more pain. Those around me were hurt as well. I wasn’t doing it on purpose. It became automatic for me, and changing that was difficult. Because this happened, I began to believe that I was bad, my feelings were bad, and that people did not want to be around me. Even more so, I wasn’t worth being around.

I began to learn about my feelings. I began to find the words. I gave myself a voice so that I could begin to come out of auto pilot and into being present with life.

This sucked. For real. Like the kind of… I don’t want to do it, and you can’t make me … kind of sucked. Really quickly , the anger, hurt and pain turned into rebellion and a kind of… oh wait , we really didn’t mean to go down this road.

Oftentimes, when we are healing, once we become aware of what needs to be healed, things often get worse before they get better. Even though things are causing us pain, we are familiar and comfortable with that. So, changing can be difficult.

I firmly believe that God has had a hand in my path, even when I didn’t do what he asked. Because, to this day, he gently brings me back. In times when I am in complete rebellion, he takes me exactly to the place I need to be, and I experience things in a new way, and a new layer of healing happens.

I think being raised in the church, even when I didn’t know what to do , God was faithful the entire time, and he continues to be. Friend, If you find yourself in this place, please know that if you continue to do your work, healing will come. It’s hard and it hurts but, it will come. Keep going.

Thank you so much for reading. I hope it is helpful for someone.

Be encouraged,

Rachael