I have been reluctant to write about this topic. But I am going to. Its hard. It Sucks. and It just well. It is painful.

 

I’ll just come out and say it.

This blog is about infertility.

Lately, I have been really digging in to some painful things. A lot of anger, hard feelings and just pain.

I want to be clear. I am not writing because its fun to talk about pain and anger. Because it’s not.

Talking about painful things makes my stomach hurt. My eyes water. and I get super anxious. And more often than not, I shut down.

I have also been learning to do the opposite of what I am feeling.

For example: If I feel anxious about a social situation, I reach out to friends.

If I feel fearful about talking about something. I talk about it.

Now, I do not run out in front of a car if I feel fearful about crossing a street. That is not what I am saying.

So, Here is my best effort. Most compassionate loving effort to discuss the painful reality of infertility.

I will spare you definitions and such because I believe we all know, in some form the brutal reality of infertility and the effects it has on women, husbands, wives. Everyone.

We are created to procreate . So when our bodies malfunction, what does that mean?

To many women, and men  It leaves  feelings of  defeate. It leaves  feelings of a deep sense of lack. A deep sense of unworthiness. A sense of anger.

And the truth is. All of those feelings are valid.

If I am created to be a mom, or a dad, to raise a kid. Why can I not have them?

Or,  Why do I keep losing them? I must not be fit for this.

 

My sweet friends. This blog is hard for me to write. So please know that I do not take this topic lightly. And I do know that it is painful. I do know that the words I put here cannot even touch the surface of the pain infertility inflicts. 

I have been personally looking at the things that are unfair in my life. And in the world in general.

This is a Huge one. A topic that is absolutely unfair and unjust.

But I cannot control it. I cannot keep people from having to go through the difficult process of trying to have a baby.

Working in foster care. I definitely  hurt for the whole situation.

why do some people get to have babies. And then we have hundreds of thousands sweet kiddos in foster care? 

And I would kill for to have a baby, a kid of my own. I would love them and they would be raised well and loved well. 

I don’t know. And I hate that I don’t know. I hate that it causes so much pain. 

But I cannot take that pain away. If I could. Oh how I would.

This is a topic that I have trouble Justifying saying .. I don’t know the answer. But it just is.  To me that’s not good enough. If i gave an answer it would be disingenuous and hurtful.

But the hard thing is. It doesn’t matter if its good enough. Because it is a fact. Life is unfair. But no matter if its unfair or not. The situation remains.

 

The pain is real. And it is still there.

So , I write this again as what feels as an inadequate encouragement. 

Sweet friend. You are enough.  You are loved. I know that I know you’re in pain. And I wish that I could take that from you. But now more than ever, know that you are not alone. And your life is valuable and your testimony is powerful. You are a overcomer . Weather you feel like it or not. You are a fighter. And your life experience is one that, if you allow it, will bring freedom and peace to everyone you encounter.

 

Much love and respect.

Be encouraged,

Rachael