The Thing About It Is

Boundaries have always been an awkward thing for me. Not in the way that I cross them but the fear that I am going to do something to ruin a relationship, or make someone mad. I have spent the past year working through one of the hardest seasons of my life. I have learned a lot about myself, my healthy and unhealthy habits, and how they allow me to be manipulated and taken advantage of. Also, how they have left me with a victim mindset. But, thats where I have been. Not where I am now.

 

One of the biggest lessons I have learned is that just because something is okay with someone else, does not mean it has to be okay with you. Let me explain.

There are three types of boundaries that are prevelant to this post.

Soft : This type is the type that makes people easily manipulated. They are quick to join others in their boundaries. Hint hint… What is okay with others is okay with them. They join without taking a minute to think if they really are okay with how they are being treated and what is going on. 

Spongy: These boundaries are confused. They aren’t sure what to let in and what to keep out. Very confusing to other people, and confusing to the person with the boundary.

Rigid: This person builds walls sky high in order to keep people at a distance. Self protection. BY the book , kind of person.

 

For the majority of my life, until I went to college, and even still, I fell into the Rigid Boundary range. I needed everything to be perfect, black and white was boss, and I needed the rules spelled out and followed to a T. Needless to say, I was not fun to be around, I was hurting, and I hurt people in those boundaries. Fast forward to College, I let some people in, and softened my boundaries. I began trusting people , and pushed myself out of my comfort zone into church. All church people are safe right? They go to Church, of course they are. False.

Now . Please hear I did not say Church people were bad. I just said not all people .. in this case, church people , are safe.  This is often no fault of theirs. Though it may seem that it is in the moment.

I heard a sermon once on relationship baskets. It was wonderful. It changed my perspective on a lot of things.  In short, we have three baskets that we put friends in. Our 3rd basket, is our acquaintences, our work people, those we see every once in a while. We don’t go into great detail about our lives because , the relationship is not in a place, or its not appropriate to share with them. There are more people in this basket, because we encounter them often due to different things. The 2nd basket are those who are closer. Maybe our family, and friends , who we share life with, but we don’t neccessarily have the deep conversations with, because the relationship is not at that point. The first basket, it the closest. There are fewer people in here. Like maybe 2-3 max. These people know you. You can bring your struggles, hurts and vulnerability to them, and they to you. And you both love eachother through them and healing happens.

 

Here is where it gets tricky. Not everyone is in the same basket for each other. For example, the people who bring their vulnerabilities to me arent neccisarily the ones who I bring mine too. And that is okay. And maybe , I am not in the same basket for the people I bring my vulnerability and struggles too. 

 

Another place it gets tricky is when someone is wanting to be something to you, wanting to help you through something that, in reality , they are not able too, or they do not have a healthy concept of themselves. This is where spongy boundaries and soft boundaries don’t mix, and people get deeply hurt.

My Friends, It is okay to tell someone you are not at a place to help them through something, but it is not okay to attempt to help them through it, realize you are unable to do so, and then shame them for coming to you because you feel guilty for being in their mess . 

Honestly, being able, in the first place to say, I see that you are hurting, and I will help you find the resources you need, but I cannot be that person for you, is more honorable, helpful  and will build the trust relationship in a positive way rather than trying to be someone you are not, something you can’t be and causing harm to those involved.

In short. Being able to be honest about where you are in life, what you are able and willing to contribute to a relationship will be more healing and helpful.

Brene Brown puts it very well. Sometimes we are so desparate for someone to help us in our pain and shame that it makes it worse. Check out the video here.

I am working toward flexible boundaries. That is the goal. To be able to be in a place where I am confident and comfortable stating what is and is not okay for me, and being willing to adjust when needed. Its hard. It hurts , but Jesus is good.

Who are you sharing your life with that does not have the capacity to honor you in your pain? Do you need to adjust any of your relationships? Are you showing yourself compassion for the places that do need adjusting?

You are valuable. You deserve friends that will honor your vulnerabiltiy and treat you kindly in your shame.

 

Be encouraged friends

Rachael