So, I have this candle burning in my office . It is Cucumber Melon. It smells great. I have an obsession with smells. Well maybe not an obsession, just that I am highly aware of them. This mindfulness thing has been working out in a positive way in my life. I have grown to enjoy life more than I did before . But I have hit a wall in one area. Let me give you some background.
I have lived with a lot of anger and anxiety the majority of my childhood into my college years. When I was little , the way that I found that was natural to express any type of embarrassment, sadness, emotions and feelings that we may label “bad,” I expressed them through anger and aggression. I would yell and even get physical. I, still to this day, cannot live down the fact, very true fact, that I got in a fight with a friend and my sister over brownies that were cut before they were cooled. But, lets be honest, brownies are amazing. They need to be treated with the utmost care 😉 .
I still have regret that I acted in this way. They are brownies. They tasted just as good as they would have if we would have waited.
I have anxiety when something needs to be cut, food or anything in general. I need it done perfectly. I don’t know why. But I am learning to be okay with these things.
I also , once locked my sister and another friend in my bedroom closet because they were annoying me. True statement. I apologize , truly. I am not proud of this.
Once, I was yelling at my dad, and he told me he did not like my attitude, and I told him he didn’t have to listen. .. That is not an advised way of handling that situation.
Sr. Prom. That. is a tough one. I may have gotten in a fight with another one of my sisters friends then too. Probably did. I hurt my sister really bad and it still bothers me that I did that.
I could go on. But this blog is getting long , so I’ll tie it together. What causes us to react in anger ? Pain.
Any time that I felt pain, I reacted in aggression and anger. I tried my best to control myself, and sometimes it worked, and other times it didn’t . I have gotten a better hold on these things as I grow and mature. They still slip out every once in a while. And it still causes me shame, but I work through that too.
So how does this relate to the candle burning in my office? I am hyper aware of myself and how I appear in my daily situations. I have a fear that there are things about myself that I cannot control that will disqualify me on a variety of areas. To avoid this, and when I feel it coming , my defenses try , and still manage to appear sometimes. I reject people before they reject me. I am working on this, and trying to incorporate mindfulness principles in this area. It is slow going because there is some deeply rooted pain that the Lord is digging up. You know how I know? Because I have this strong urge to fight people . All of these things are funny to look back on, but deep down, they still cause shame and guilt, because in these moments, no matter where I was at in life, I hurt people. And for that I am truly sorry. Let me also be clear, that I do not share these things as a “feel sorry for me.” Very simply , I share this so that someone who may find them in the same boat, finds encouragement and hope.
Honestly, this post is hard for me to find something encouraging to end with. But I will say this. No matter what you have done, in your past, or will do in your future. You are worth forgiveness, to yourself and others around you, simply for the fact that your mere being is valuable. Let yourself of the hook, and pray for me as I try to do the same.
Be encouraged friends,
Rachael
Accepting The Peace 